First episode, first series, weird theme tune (thank goodness they junked it by season 2) and SO MANY NEWS to discuss. The central storyline (by which I mean, the Nick Stokes storyline) involves Warrick and Nick competing to solve their 100th case.
I can suspend my disbelief with probably more facility than most people but I can’t be alone in finding the physical actuality of the ‘Crimes Solved’ board a little bit unlikely. Number one: the 100th crime that Nick and Warrick will tackle hasn’t been assigned at this point in the episode… so how can it be on the board? Who keeps the board updated with newly printed, completed lists? Where do you buy ‘solved’ magnets? I JUST DON’T BUY IT. Luckily, the board is onscreen for less than 3 seconds and so all these questions are rapidly displaced by the SHEER CRIME-SOLVING FUN that succeeds them.
Luckily for Nick and Warrick’s tallies, the writers are really packing it in plot-wise. We see a suicide in a bathtub that turns out to be a murder (this is the storyline that links the whole series so it’s not resolved within the episode); a Speccy White Guy who shoots a home invader not really in self-defence;
a trick-roll which Nick deals with in his own inimitable fashion (charming both the troll-looking tourist victim and the prostitute responsible);
a random molestation of a small child who seems to be wearing her mother’s wig;
a liquor-store robbery and some other kind of a robbery, both of which get dumped on (short-lived) new girl Holly and both of which see her end up at the wrong end of a gun. Unlucky. At least she has time to meet the fetal pig before she’s lying in intensive care looking like her time is up.
She’s also relieved of some bodily fluids, pretty damn straight:
Grissom: I need a pint of your blood. It’s customary for all new hires.
Grissom: So many reasons.
Specifically (if I understood correctly), this reason.
Warrick asks whose blood it is and Grissom tells him it’s the new girl’s. Isn’t that just a tiny bit INSANE? I know that in later seasons Ecklie starts bitching about resources being tight but surely draining your staff of their blood only to whap it all over office in the course of a single murder investigation isn’t a particularly sustainable way to keep the cupboards stocked, either…?
In any case, it’s a pretty rollicking start. Holly isn’t the only anomaly about this episode: as with any pilot, the writers and producers are obviously testing the waters and there are a whole bunch of randomers knocking around the lab, including this cuddly-looking but disconcertingly lechy coroner:
As Holly runs out of the room to vomit, he comments that she’s ‘cute’. I DON’T THINK SO, GRANDPA.
The other unfamiliar face is this lovely lady
– I don’t think we even get her name but it’s evident that Grissom has had more than that…
Grissom: If latex and cooking spray went on a blind date… how would the night end?
Random fingerprints lady: A lot better than ours did.
Grissom: I know. Pink Floyd’s not your thing.
Random fingerprints lady: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think Dark Side of the Moon synched to the Wizard of Oz is gonna warm a damn barn?
Yeah Grissom, WHAT ABOUT HER DAMN BARN?
Maybe he seduced her in his badass glasses.
Who am I kidding? Grissom only needs one weapon in his Seduction Armory (TM).
The fingerprints lady is just part of Grissom’s (soon to become) uncharacteristic cuddliness. No really, he actually gets involved in some cuddling.
WOT. This is not the Grissom I know. Luckily for my sense of normalcy there’s one lovely labrat who’s already installed in office: GREGGO!
Modelling a particularly unattractive shirt, he gets one of the episode’s best quotables:
‘I’m gonna warn you, though, these mouth swabs don’t always read. Vaginal swabs, no problem. Anal swabs – money.’