Archives for posts with tag: csi

Standard stuff this episode: Sara’s a loser with no social life, Grissom is inappropriate, Catherine is badass and yet loaded with maternal empathy. And Greg is desperate for the approval of his superiors. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE CSI OFFICE.

To take the smaller story first, Nick and Catherine investigate the death of a guy who was apparently shot in a hunting accident. Apparently they are also engaged in some kind of fancy dress competition.

Catherine Willows Mime

Qui? Moi? (Catherine has obviously come as a French mime) (all mimes are French, right?)

Nick Stokes Action Man

Can you guess who Nick has come as?

Nick Stokes rifle

Here's another shot to give you a clue (note the jumper)

Action Man toy

Obviously, this is obvious. Nick's whole face (his whole body, heh heh) is an Action Man costume

Nick Stokes Action Man lookalike

YOU GUYZ I'M SERIOUS

ANYWAY enough of my obsession with Nick’s face. Hunting guy has left behind a grieving widow

Grieving widow

Grieving

who quickly discovers a surefire way to get Catherine onside.

Grieving widow: … with the baby and all…

Catherine Willows maternal empathy

Did you say BABY? Wouldn't that make you a MOTHER? I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEEEEEL!

Anyway this is quite a sad little story (except for a brief happy moment where Nick and Catherine model some attractive waders)

Nick Stokes Catherine Willows waders

People say I look like me da (ten points for anybody who gets that reference)

and therefore ill-suited to my CUTTING AND SARCASTIC WIT. So I will maybe leave it there.

Meanwhile on the main storyline, Grissom and Sara are probing the case of two, very different, sisters, both found dead in some pipes near a field. One of them is glamorous and has tattoos. The other one (much to Grissom’s surprise) doesn’t shave her legs.

Grissom baffled

What kind of sorry excuse for a woman does she think she is?!

Obviously, with that kind of weird sociopathic behaviour, one who just likes to stay at home and buy things on the internet. (Actually this might merit a new post category: Internet Weirdos. Anybody on CSI who participates in social media is usually suspect in some way.)

Grissom glamorous ID badge

Gosh Grissom, not everyone can be as UNFEASIBLY GLAMOROUS as you appear to look on your ID badge headshot

Anyway after a brief hiatus of suspecting glamour-girl’s boyfriend, Not Mark Wright

Mark Wright

Mark Wright

Not Mark Wright

Mark Wrong

Grissom is soon set on the right (Wright?) (I’ve overused that one) track, via an enterprising prison governor who has his inmates working shifts on a kind of boutique call centre.

Prison call centre

*Johnny Cash plays as hold music*

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... "This is the kind of shizzle that went down at Shawshank. And that didn't end well for ANYBODY. Except Tim Robbins. And Morgan Freeman."

Seems like dowdy hairy lady ordered herself a MAN as well as some (dowdy, hairy) clothing.

Mail order boyfriend

Mail order boyfriend

Nothing wrong with that (though it’s always risky to purchase sight unseen) but a sudden (Greg-enabled) realisation later

Grissom realisation

BUT OF COURSE!

Greg Sanders pleased

"You've got that look." << It's called a realisationface, Sanders

and (with the help of an open-minded yokel) Grissom is collecting some evidence which doesn’t look good for Mr Mail-order.

Grissom: Mr Willoughby – would you mind if I fingerprint your spigot?
Mr W: No one’s ever asked me that before.

Mr Willoughby

Is this one of those fetish things you read about on the inter-ma-net?

Lesson of the day? The internet is BAD, mmmkay?!

That’s the lesson for the viewer, anyway: Sara receives with a more personal takeaway as HEAVY PARALLELS are drawn between her and hairy internet lady. She realises the similarity herself, as they look around Donna’s house –

Sara: We already know she cooks like I do – takeout on speed dial.

Sara Sidle apartment

Alert! This is Sara's house! Note the many takeout menus on the fridge. (I thought this was our first look in a CSI's home but actually I think we see chez Catherine a few times in the first season)

– but the point’s made more harshly when Nick (somewhat out of the blue) gets on Sara’s case about her obsession with work.

Nick: Sara – you gotta get out more.

Sara Sidle stressed

That was way harsh, Thai!

I feel like this exchange is a bit weird and gratuitous but maybe I am expressing unrealistic expectations about character integrity… Nick is a nice boy!

Sara Sidle answering machine

I mean, he is objectively right. The empty answering machine is an Ancient Symbol of Doom. (What's the 2010s equivalent? An empty email inbox?)

Greg Sanders claws

But Greg agrees, it was uncharacteristically catty. Booo!

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Lesson from this week’s episode? EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

That’s true for these guys, doofus touristicii who we see in the opening scene getting ripped off by a Vegas conman:

Stupid tourists

"We're honest people"... honest

It’s true for the conman, who ends up shot in a car park shortly after making off with $2000 of their money:

Griss (looks at body): Striking resemblance to Judas.
Brass: How’s that?
Griss: Both men lost their lives over a worthless bag of chips. (ROLL TITLE SEQUENCE)

Chippie chips

Worthless?? ARE YOU CRAZY IN THE HEAD?

Casino chips

Oh what yeah these are actually pretty worthless. OK.

It’s definitely true for Warrick, who gets lumbered with running the shift as Catherine’s in Reno and Grissom is cockroach-racing at an entomological convention in Deleuze.

Warrick Brown unlucky

UNLUCKY

Warrick: Acting supervisor? What about Nick – he’s got seniority? Or Sara – she’d jump at the chance.
Grissom: If it was about seniority, I’d ask Nick. If I wanted someone to stay up for three straight days, I’d ask Sara. Instead, I want you.

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... "I want you"

Warrick Brown hot

... and I think we can ALL see why

It’s also true for Sara and Nick, when they find out. Nick (all round solid and amazing guy that he is) takes the snub well. Sara – who doesn’t have seniority and therefore has much less right to be pissed off – is, unsurprisingly, a little harder to handle.

Sara Sidle angry

So full of burning rage

It’s true for Special Agent Beckman, who accidentally ends up in the middle of one of Sara and Warrick’s many rows.

Warrick Brown Sara Sidle argument

Argument in progress

Special Agent Beckman

AWKWARD

It’s true for Sara, when Special Agent Beckman turns out to be running a complicated, Sherlock Holmes-style double-bluff to test her morals. Turns out those doofy tourists weren’t so doofy after all?

Sara Sidle betrayed

BETRAYED by the cut-glass cheekbones

Don’t worry Sara I don’t think he would be much of a lover:

Special Agent Beckman: Never feels right when it works; only feels wrong when it doesn’t.

BUT most of all, as the episode title suggests, it’s true for Captain Jim Brass, whose daughter Ellie turns out to be involved with the central crime and with some rather shady characters.

Ellie Rebecca Brass

NO WAYYYYYYZ

Ellie Brass bitchface

YES WAYYYYYYZ

Jim Brass sad

SAD DAYYYYYYZ

Ellie’s shady dealings (and flagrant ingratitude to her dear old dad) land both of them in trouble, as Brass goes all vigilante on her boyfriend

Car Chase

Not the best way to meet the parents

and finds Warrick having to confiscate his badge.

Badge confiscation

EMASCULATION

Conrad Ecklie

Ecklie - never knowingly absent when somebody's getting bitched out

The episode is notable for rekindling the mutual dislike between Warrick and Brass that was evident at the beginning of Season 1 but seems to have been let slide until now; anyway it’s back with a vengeance (as you can imagine) after this incident, and isn’t much helped by Ellie’s shameless flirting with the W-man.

Ellie to Warrick: Will you fill me up, Warrick?

Warrick resisting

I get enough of this kind of thing from Grissom, thanks

Some of her lines have a touch of the Louis Walsh about them:

Ellie to Warrick: You know, you have this whole Lenny Kravitz thing going on.

Louis Walsh

"like a little Lenny Henry"

Others are just terrifyingly prescient:

Ellie: Everyone I sleep with dies.

Ellie Brass flirting

SHE'S GONE MOFFAT! (this is assuming they did actually sleep together, of course)

Poor Brass. A daughter who doesn’t respect him and who is desperate to get into the pants of the one guy at work who he doesn’t really like.

Captain Jim Brass emotional

In a glass case of emotion

Jim Brass head injury

(He also sustains a head injury)

Thank goodness, then, for this episode’s one really reliable element: Catherine’s maternal empathy, which she phones in all the way from Reno. Can’t have a parent-child relationship without Catherine passing comment!

Catherine Willows maternal empathy

Yeah yeah yeah weeping for you Jimbo - but only a little as you're not a laydee. WHATEVS

Unfortunately after last week’s enjoyable smellfest this week’s episode is pretty mediocre. It feels like the writers (let’s name and shame: Elizabeth Devine and Andrew Lipsitz – both regular contributors) were more interested in the setup than in the payoff; unlike the tight theming of the previous episode, this time neither story feels cohesive.

That said, there are still some things to be enjoyed. This is CSI after all!

So, the main plotline begins with this guy, Cliff, aka ‘nose man’ (Sara), aka ‘the Schnoz’ (Grissom), ‘expirating blood from his nose all over his apartment walls to get back at his manager’.

Bloody wall

Exhibit A

Jim Brass grossed out

Yes you're right Jim, that IS disgusting

Cliff

Cliff is unrepentant (also, looks like a fat Charlie from Busted)

Charlie Simpson

(sorry Charlie)

Confusingly (disappointingly?), Cliff turns out to have done nothing wrong, beyond being kind of gross; but JUST BY CHANCE a crime HAS been committed in the neighbouring apartment.

Grissom realisation face

My spidey-sense is tingling! (aka, realisationface)

Room 101

The number on the door should probably be a clue this guy is up to no good

Thank goodness Grissom is able to save face by stumbling fortuitously upon an unrelated criminal proceeding!

Dead woman

Also, this gnarly-looking corpse (to borrow a phrase from last ep's emergency dude)

Maybe you can see why I wasn’t that overwhelmed with admiration.

Nick’s storyline feels similarly halfhearted. He and Catherine are, briefly, excited to be confronted with a scuba diver unexpectedly roosting in a tree. He’s the ‘rocket man’ to Sara’s ‘nose man’.

Scuba diver in a tree

The stuff of (urban) legend

However, all too soon it becomes clear that the guy wasn’t scooped out of Lake Mead by firecopters (as Nick spends a few minutes energetically hoping):

Nick Stokes disappointed

Nicky: he can't handle the truth

rather, this is a much more straightforward story of Friendship Gone Bad.

Jolly lawyer

Also of Matt Damon and Kiefer Sutherland's evil lovechild, and his lawyer, friendly George Bush

Zzzzz! It’s like a less exciting version of the spontaneous combustion story from the previous season. With that in mind, all the excitement this ep does have to offer comes from the CSIs’ romantic relationships… and most of all, from Greg.

So: GSR alert as Sara ‘wipes some chalk’ off Grissom’s face, in a lingering moment of desire.

Grissom and Sara romance

Ohhhhhhhh myyyyyyy love... my darling... I HUN-ger for... your touch

Grissom intrigued aroused

"I'm intrigued... AND AROUSED"

Unfortunately for Sara, she has to compete with this guy:

Griss: Either Paul or John.
Sara: A Very Important Beetle?

Grissom beetle

A true look of longing

By the end of the episode, Grissom is turning down breakfast with Sara (AND NICK! crazy fool) to spend more time with his new friend.

Grissom beetle friend

Gotta take your friends where you can get them, especially when you're Gruesome Grissom I guess

Catherine meanwhile is pumping our old pal the district engineer for information (hahaha pumping BET THEY’VE DONE THEIR SHARE OF THAT [too far?])

Catherine Willows kiss

Willowz meanz bizniss

and letting Greg off lightly when (in a moment of giddy madness) he refers to her as ‘Cat’.

Catherine: I’m going to forget that you called me that.

Greg Sanders sorry

Sheepish (a little bit)

Greg Sanders coffee

On the other hand, it's apparently fine for her to call him 'coffee boy' (alongside Nose Man and Rocket Man, part of the world's weirdest superhero supergroup)

I love it when they flirt. But the best romance of the episode? One I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved in… come on people, SOMETIMES THIS STUFF JUST WRITES ITSELF.

Cath: I just talked with your partner – you’ve been working this case without me, huh?
Nick: ?
Cath: Greg SANDERS?
Nick: Let go of my Greggo! He’s a CSI wannabe.

Let go of my Greggo? I LOVE IT!!!!!!

Greg Sanders bad shirt

Almost as much as I love this ridiculous shirt...

Nick Stokes Greg Sanders romance

... but not even as much as I love this moment! (it's a gif, click it)

So. Good. (Anybody know the appropriate portmanteau for the Nick/Greg ‘ship??!)

This episode STINKS! No don’t worry I am not being uncharacteristically harsh and judgemental, just typically witty and insightful. This episode is brought to you by the sense of smell. That is, odour provides the unifying thread which runs through the two plots and through this week’s CSI banter as well. It’s subtle like a gentle whiff of blossom (i.e., it isn’t made explicit in the episode’s title – maybe they couldn’t think of an appropriate pun); but it’s definitely there.

Poor old Sara gets a particularly harsh deal. She and Nick are on B-plot duty, kicking off their assignment with a dramatic helicopter mission to pick up ‘one gnarly-looking head’

Sara Sidle Nick Stokes helicopter

Badaba-ba... bada-bababa... badaba-ba... bada-babababa-ba-bababa-bababaaaaaaaa...

and (on Sara’s part) some banter with a hunky emergency services guy.

Hunky dude

Windswept

 Sara: Down boy!

Nick loves it

Nick loves it

Nick: Nothing like flirting over a DB…

Nick Stokes eyebrows

... unless it's Nick's eyebrow ear-lift of course (this should move! click on it if it doesn't!)

Unfortunately the gnarly-looking head proves to be gnarlier than anybody would like to hope, belonging to a chappie who quickly gains the nickname ‘Liquid Man’.

Human soup

Human soup

Liquid Man is not only a pungent presence

Bad smell

Ewwww

Bad smell

Euuuurgh

Bad smell

Pewwwww

Sara Sidle vom

Bleuuurgh

but also an unfortunately pervasive one.

Bad smell

*struggling to control nausea* *not very sexy*

To be explicit…

You smell like death

Greg: "You smell like death"

Best get changed, eh? Oh wait:

Still smell like death

Nick: "...you still smell like death."

There’s only one solution.

Shower lemons

Lemons!

Sara Sidle shampoo

Gonna wash that (liquid) man right outta my hair...

Nick Stokes SUPERHOT

That's better! (just an excuse to use this hot picture, I hear you cry? WELL DUH)

It will not surprise you to learn that the culprit in this whiffy wrongdoing is, in fact, an evil egg.

Evil egg man

He is the eggman

Elsewhere in the land of scents (??!), Warrick is trialling a $10,000 electronic nose…

Catherine and Warrick flirt

Also, flirting with Catherine

Warrick: I bet you were like that in high school [mean].
Catherine: Worse.
Warrick: You’d be the girl I ran away from.
Catherine: Until you caught me…

Nick Stokes aw shucks

(so is Nick) (Catherine is the only person for whom I'd 'llow it)

[Cath admits she was a bully in high school -] ‘but not the kind that people wanna take a gun out and shoot.’
Nick: No, you were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress.
Cath: Like you, Nick, huh?

… and a bottle of women’s perfume

Chanteuse

Chanteuse - or, as Grissom calls it, 'shan-toose'

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... 'French is for LOSERS'

proves key to solving the A-case, a murder in a local high school.

Beautiful sister

Would it surprise you to learn that this beautiful lady...

School counsellorface

... smells the same as this, erm, other lady?

Catherine Willows classy

She's like a less classy version of Catherine

Finally, Grissom comes out with (emits?) a smelly non-sequiteur.

Grissom fart face

Grissom: "Did you ever smell a fart and end up blaming the wrong guy?"

Catherine Willows and Jim Brass

Was that some kind of elaborate double-bluff?

Other items necessary for discussion:

Dennis

This is Dennis

Dennis’s dad: I know I must sound like a typical parent, but my son had nothing to do with the death of the Schickel boy.

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez: 'OH YEAH DATZ WHAT ALL DEM PARENTS SAY'

and apparently, working to pay the rent is equivalent to putting your children through the trauma of a familial break-up:

Guidance Counsellor

Guidance Counsellor: You have no idea what these kids go through. I listen to them every day. Divorce - working parents - cliques...

However, there was one further SERIOUS REVELATION that rocked my world this episode. (You’ll want this playing for the full effect.)

McKinley High poster

WHAT'S THAT????????

MCKINLEY HIGH

IT NEVER IS

Guidance Counsellor: Look. He was a popular kid, but he was a bully. So there were probably a dozen kids who wanted to see him dead.

Yeah, but not all of them are 5’4 and wear women’s perfume.

Kurt Hummel guilty

Care to provide an alibi, Mr Hummel?

Hello fans, after a summer break (if it works for CSI, it works for me) I am back on board and planning more regular updates: every Tuesday, to be precise. Let’s see how it goes.

In other news, let’s run through the First Seasonal C.S.I. Love You AWARDORAMA.

Best Episode
Episode 7: Blood Drops. Nick’s hunky torso almost swung it for Boom, but I restrained myself like the noble and impartial judge I am.

Dakota Fanning (tiny)

Well done tiny Dakota Fanning... your emotive acting and elfin face have triumphed again

Craziest Episode (with the smallest basis in scientific fact)
Obviously, Justice is Served.

Gillian McKeith

Did someone say 'smallest basis in scientific fact'?

Best Line
Props to the ‘warm a damn barn’ lady all the way from the pilot! Her moment in the sun was brief, but beautiful.

Fingerprint lady

I love this line SO HARD

Best ‘Nick in Danger’ moment
The tears make this ALL TOO EASY.

Nick cries

Thanks, gun-brandishing psycho lady!

Best Scientist
Has to be Terri (Grissom would never turn away a scientist of her talent).

Terri

She knows it

Worst Scientist
I wanted to give it to Grissom for the ‘cows don’t drink milk’ thing… but in fact the resident psychologist dude is about 5 billion times worse. Congratulations!

Psychiatrist

Truly sir, but you know nothing

Best Outfit
Sara’s alien princess extravaganza from Justice is Served.

Sara Sidle Sci Fi Princess

GETTING SO REGAL ON YO ASS

Worst Outfit (Greg)
This is a toughie, for obvious reasons, but I’ve gone for the mottled orange shirt. It’s unforgivable.

Greg Sanders bad shirt

U.G.L.Y... shirt ain't got no alibi

Worst Outfit (anybody else)
Nick’s Chandler look is pretty bad but Catherine’s hideous brown shirt is worserer.

Catherine Willows bad shirt

Never let me see you like this again, Catherine

Most egregious case of stereotyping
It’s a toss-up (er) between these two

Bad ear piercings

Horrendous ear piercings?

Hunter S Baumgartner

or horrendous T-shirt?

All-round most bodacious feminist icon
Sara has her moments but I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s Catherine ‘never knowingly second banana’ Willows.

Catherine Willows badass

Catherine, I actually love you

… and finally…

Total Petersen Pouts recorded
38

PPP compilation

A moving treat for my loyal readers

Well that’s a wrap for season 1! See you next Tuesday (oh dear) for Season 2, Episode 1: Burked. BETCHA CAN’T WAIT.

I seem to start every single one of these updates with a reference to the CSIs’ love lives, and essentially this one is just the same: Catherine and Greg have got exciting new haircuts, Grissom enjoys the feel of a young body in his arms, and Sara and David are flirting… AGAIN.

First things first, however, and the A-case (the one that opens the episode) is jeopardised by the WRATH OF MOTHER NATURE when a serious downpour sets in just as the CSIs arrive at the crime scene. Luckily there’s a handy eyewitness around to let them know exactly what went down.

Justin Green

Huh. He seems pretty SWEATY AND GUILTY. Guess that's just the rain...

Deceived by his blue eyes and delicate cheekbones, the team launch a hunt for the killer which takes them, via a third victim (who provides Grissom with a frisson of physical excitement, as her corpse falls out of a stolen car)…

Falling body

Caught you!

Grissom: Well, I haven’t felt that in a while.
Brass: What’s that?
Grissom: The element of surprise. (OR, A YOUNG WOMAN’S NUBILE FLESH)

Grissom surprised

THRILLED TO THE CORE

… to her flat, where Nick does some hilarious hacking…

Nick and Grissom

Worried that Grissom, rejected by Terri, is transferring his affections

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... "Did we really log into her online banking with the username 'Jessica' and the password 'money'? Good thing people here in 2001 don't know how the internet works!"

… then through an incredible 3-way realisationface…

3 way realisationface

Oho! Aha! Ihi!

… and the inevitable crime scene re-enaction…

Re-enactment

Where's Catherine with the Polaroid camera when you need her?

… to a bit of climactic laser-pointing from Grissom…

Grissom laser pointer

"You'll note that for the genuine Petersen Pout the lips have to remain together, though slightly projected from the face"

… and finally RIGHT BACK TO WHERE THEY STARTED.

Guilty CPR

GUILTIEST. CPR. EVER.

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... "Doh!"

Meanwhile, Greg is working the Hoxton fin

Greg Sanders

Fran from Travis: the thinking chemist's style icon

and Catherine, with a schmancy new haircut of her own

Catherine Willows short hair

Going all-out with the glitzy clip

is bickering/flirting with the district engineer, as she investigates a building which has inexplicably collapsed.

District engineer

Hate the bickering...

District Engineer

... LURVE THE FLIRTIN'

Catherine Willows hard hat

Even more, lurve the hard hat. WORK IT, sister!

As I already implied in my tantalising opener, Catherine isn’t the only one flirting, as Sara and David exchange amused

Sara Sidle flirt

Amused

/longing

David flirt

Longing

looks across the body of Grissom’s surprising victim. It seems to put Sara in a good mood, anyway, as she gives this random, helpful but chubbly knife expert

Knife man

Knife to see you, to see you...

the biggest smile I have ever seen her produce! Hurrah for a Sidle full of delight!

Sara Sidle smile

Radiant like the frickin' sun

Still, for all that Sara, Catherine and Greg are looking their best this episode (I’ll be charitable and say nothing about Grissom) (oops, too late), we all know whose arms I’d rather be in.

Nick Stokes and cat

Come on, people. It wouldn't be right for me to finish an update with a picture of anyone else.

Well, it’s a rough day for the ladies and NO MISTAKE.

Roughest day of all surely goes to Pamela

Pamela in a coma

Pam! Wake up, Pam!

… who has been raped and left for dead, and who ends the episode in a permanent vegetative state. Aaaaand, whose plight I am about to belittle for the rest of this entry, with petty comparisons to lesser problems. Sorry. BUT THAT’S JUST HOW I ROLL.

So, Sara has a rough day because she ends up bonding with Pamela just a little too much (NIASW). Basically, she has no other friends.

Sara Sidle sad

Just look at that sad Sidle face

Listen to yourself, woman! Even Grissom is worried

Grissom: You max out on overtime every month. You go home and listen to your police scanner, or read forensic textbooks.

and his only hobbies are riding rollercoasters, and pouting.

Pouting on a coaster

Sometimes he does both

Sara’s woes aren’t helped by that Olde 2001 Technologie.

Sara on a computer

If I was making that face it would be because I'd been playing Diner Dash for 4 hours, or something equally HIGH TECH AND EXCITING. Like Farmville. (I don't really play that... any more)

Old database

Apparently this is what the missing persons database looked like, in the days before anyone invented the search function. Personally, I'd like to know more about 'Big Bam Bam', who likes 'beating on elderly people' and wearing 'Channel No. 5'

Meanwhile, I’m sure we can all guess who is the source of Catherine’s problems.

Will Ferrell

WILL FERRELL, YOU BASTARD

Oops, I mean

Eddie

EDDIE, YOU BASTARD

What has he done now? Only taken out a second mortgage on their house! He doesn’t even live there any more!

Catherine Willows pissed off

I agree, that IS seriously shoddy behaviour

When Catherine confronts him, he promptly one-ups himself by producing the worst line of dialogue yet to grace CSI.

Eddie: The only thing I robbed you of was good sex.

Catherine Willows shocked

Say what you mean, why don't you

Essentially: Eddie is pretty much the root of everything crappy in Catherine’s life.

Catherine Willows bad shirt

Except this shirt. That one's all her

Warrick compromised

At least she can cheer herself up by taking compromising pictures of Warrick and this expensive artificial body

Meanwhile, guess who’s feeling perky?

Grissom

Grissom, the happiest mouse

It’s only our old mucker Gil Grissom, who makes a speciality this episode of looming helpfully between the ladies and their problems.

Grissom looms helpfully

Unhand her, sir!

Sara and Pamela

Unhand her, Sara!

It’s just a shame that Sara isn’t more appreciative.

Sara: I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn’t feel anything.

Patented Petersen Pout

PPP sez... "I have feelings too! Feelings about ROLLERCOASTERS"

Tough gig, Gil. Tough gig.

First episode, first series, weird theme tune (thank goodness they junked it by season 2) and SO MANY NEWS to discuss. The central storyline (by which I mean, the Nick Stokes storyline) involves Warrick and Nick competing to solve their 100th case.

Crime Board

I just don't think you can order these from Rymans

I can suspend my disbelief with probably more facility than most people but I can’t be alone in finding the physical actuality of the ‘Crimes Solved’ board a little bit unlikely. Number one: the 100th crime that Nick and Warrick will tackle hasn’t been assigned at this point in the episode… so how can it be on the board? Who keeps the board updated with newly printed, completed lists? Where do you buy ‘solved’ magnets? I JUST DON’T BUY IT. Luckily, the board is onscreen for less than 3 seconds and so all these questions are rapidly displaced by the SHEER CRIME-SOLVING FUN that succeeds them.

Luckily for Nick and Warrick’s tallies, the writers are really packing it in plot-wise. We see a suicide in a bathtub that turns out to be a murder (this is the storyline that links the whole series so it’s not resolved within the episode); a Speccy White Guy who shoots a home invader not really in self-defence;

Speccy White Guy

Always distrust the Speccy White Guy

a trick-roll which Nick deals with in his own inimitable fashion (charming both the troll-looking tourist victim and the prostitute responsible);

Out of Towner

Outside Vegas, the world is not a glamorous place

a random molestation of a small child who seems to be wearing her mother’s wig;

Bad hair day child

This is not a good look

a liquor-store robbery and some other kind of a robbery, both of which get dumped on (short-lived) new girl Holly and both of which see her end up at the wrong end of a gun. Unlucky. At least she has time to meet the fetal pig before she’s lying in intensive care looking like her time is up.

Fetal Pig

See the fetal pig and die happy - that's what I heard

She’s also relieved of some bodily fluids, pretty damn straight:

Grissom: I need a pint of your blood. It’s customary for all new hires.
Holly: Why?
Grissom: So many reasons.

Specifically (if I understood correctly), this reason.

Head smash

Love a gratuitous recreation of a crime

Warrick asks whose blood it is and Grissom tells him it’s the new girl’s. Isn’t that just a tiny bit INSANE? I know that in later seasons Ecklie starts bitching about resources being tight but surely draining your staff of their blood only to whap it all over office in the course of a single murder investigation isn’t a particularly sustainable way to keep the cupboards stocked, either…?

In any case, it’s a pretty rollicking start. Holly isn’t the only anomaly about this episode: as with any pilot, the writers and producers are obviously testing the waters and there are a whole bunch of randomers knocking around the lab, including this cuddly-looking but disconcertingly lechy coroner:

Coroner

Dirty old man

As Holly runs out of the room to vomit, he comments that she’s ‘cute’. I DON’T THINK SO, GRANDPA.

The other unfamiliar face is this lovely lady

Fingerprint lady

She's a hottie, I'll give you that

– I don’t think we even get her name but it’s evident that Grissom has had more than that…

Grissom: If latex and cooking spray went on a blind date… how would the night end?
Random fingerprints lady: A lot better than ours did.
Grissom: I know. Pink Floyd’s not your thing.
Random fingerprints lady: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think Dark Side of the Moon synched to the Wizard of Oz is gonna warm a damn barn?

Yeah Grissom, WHAT ABOUT HER DAMN BARN?

Nick

Now this face would warm all kinds of barns. Or really any kind of farm building.

Maybe he seduced her in his badass glasses.

Grissom in glasses

Veering dangerously close to Speccy White Guy territory

Who am I kidding? Grissom only needs one weapon in his Seduction Armory (TM).

Grissom pouting

The Patented Petersen Pout

The fingerprints lady is just part of Grissom’s (soon to become) uncharacteristic cuddliness. No really, he actually gets involved in some cuddling.

Grissom hugs Holly

I'm sure this would incur sexual assault charges in most workplaces

WOT. This is not the Grissom I know. Luckily for my sense of normalcy there’s one lovely labrat who’s already installed in office: GREGGO!

Greggo

He doesn't look a day over 12

Modelling a particularly unattractive shirt, he gets one of the episode’s best quotables:

‘I’m gonna warn you, though, these mouth swabs don’t always read. Vaginal swabs, no problem. Anal swabs – money.’

Nicktory!

Anal swabs FTW!