Season 2 Episode 10: Ellie

Lesson from this week’s episode? EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.

That’s true for these guys, doofus touristicii who we see in the opening scene getting ripped off by a Vegas conman:

"We're honest people"... honest

It’s true for the conman, who ends up shot in a car park shortly after making off with $2000 of their money:

Griss (looks at body): Striking resemblance to Judas.
Brass: How’s that?
Griss: Both men lost their lives over a worthless bag of chips. (ROLL TITLE SEQUENCE)

Worthless?? ARE YOU CRAZY IN THE HEAD?

Oh what yeah these are actually pretty worthless. OK.

It’s definitely true for Warrick, who gets lumbered with running the shift as Catherine’s in Reno and Grissom is cockroach-racing at an entomological convention in Deleuze.

UNLUCKY

Warrick: Acting supervisor? What about Nick – he’s got seniority? Or Sara – she’d jump at the chance.
Grissom: If it was about seniority, I’d ask Nick. If I wanted someone to stay up for three straight days, I’d ask Sara. Instead, I want you.

PPP sez... "I want you"

... and I think we can ALL see why

It’s also true for Sara and Nick, when they find out. Nick (all round solid and amazing guy that he is) takes the snub well. Sara – who doesn’t have seniority and therefore has much less right to be pissed off – is, unsurprisingly, a little harder to handle.

So full of burning rage

It’s true for Special Agent Beckman, who accidentally ends up in the middle of one of Sara and Warrick’s many rows.

Argument in progress

AWKWARD

It’s true for Sara, when Special Agent Beckman turns out to be running a complicated, Sherlock Holmes-style double-bluff to test her morals. Turns out those doofy tourists weren’t so doofy after all?

BETRAYED by the cut-glass cheekbones

Don’t worry Sara I don’t think he would be much of a lover:

Special Agent Beckman: Never feels right when it works; only feels wrong when it doesn’t.

BUT most of all, as the episode title suggests, it’s true for Captain Jim Brass, whose daughter Ellie turns out to be involved with the central crime and with some rather shady characters.

NO WAYYYYYYZ

YES WAYYYYYYZ

SAD DAYYYYYYZ

Ellie’s shady dealings (and flagrant ingratitude to her dear old dad) land both of them in trouble, as Brass goes all vigilante on her boyfriend

Not the best way to meet the parents

and finds Warrick having to confiscate his badge.

EMASCULATION

Ecklie - never knowingly absent when somebody's getting bitched out

The episode is notable for rekindling the mutual dislike between Warrick and Brass that was evident at the beginning of Season 1 but seems to have been let slide until now; anyway it’s back with a vengeance (as you can imagine) after this incident, and isn’t much helped by Ellie’s shameless flirting with the W-man.

Ellie to Warrick: Will you fill me up, Warrick?

I get enough of this kind of thing from Grissom, thanks

Some of her lines have a touch of the Louis Walsh about them:

Ellie to Warrick: You know, you have this whole Lenny Kravitz thing going on.

"like a little Lenny Henry"

Others are just terrifyingly prescient:

Ellie: Everyone I sleep with dies.

SHE'S GONE MOFFAT! (this is assuming they did actually sleep together, of course)

Poor Brass. A daughter who doesn’t respect him and who is desperate to get into the pants of the one guy at work who he doesn’t really like.

In a glass case of emotion

(He also sustains a head injury)

Thank goodness, then, for this episode’s one really reliable element: Catherine’s maternal empathy, which she phones in all the way from Reno. Can’t have a parent-child relationship without Catherine passing comment!

Yeah yeah yeah weeping for you Jimbo - but only a little as you're not a laydee. WHATEVS

Season 2 Episode 1: Burked

Well I’m pretty thrilled because the title of this episode is a reference to a 19th century body-snatching scandal. As a student of Victorian literature I am ALWAYS ON THE LOOK OUT for ways in which I can work CSI into my academic life so this is just MORE WEAPONRY in my METAPHORICAL ARSENAL. Yeahhhhh.

Grissom: Remember Burke and Hare? The two nineteenth century Scottish bodysnatchers, who made a living intoxicating innocent victims and suffocating them? Made a living selling their cadavers to teaching hospitals? Got away with it, too, until a medical student discovered his fiancee on a slab.

Fiancee-on-a-slabface

However: Grissom’s version of the story is (surprise surprise) not quite accurate; the stuff about the fiancee on a slab is totally made up (but extremely reminiscent of my PhD topic text, The Mysteries of London) and he leaves out the fact that Burke and Hare weren’t just selling the bodies to teaching hospitals, they were working directly for a particular doctor with an interest in anatomy. I would say CSI missed a trick with this one in fact as there’s room for some interesting debate about the relationship between crime and science and about the scientific detachment associated with this kind of anatomy and that often attributed to Grissom… but I can feel this getting incredibly long-winded so I’m going to leave that there. FOR NOW.

Here's Nick doing a freaky face. If that hasn't reclaimed your attention then I don't know what will

SO. Outside my happy world of nineteenth century hangups, what’s going down in Las Vegas?

Tony Braun, that's what

Yes, it’s Tony Braun, well-known heroin addict and financial JEANIUS, son of casino mogul (prick up your ears, folks, this one’s a keeper) Sam Braun, one-time lover of Momma Willows and avuncular buddy to Catherine.

A face that only a mother (specifically, Catherine's mother) could love

Tony’s dead alright, but whodunnit? The glamorous (money-hungry) girlfriend?

Sexy swabbing: this is definitely a CSI trope. Remember how Nick first met Kristy right back in the pilot...??!

The neglected little brother? (he has the probable best line of the episode, during this exchange with Grissom:

Grissom: Would you mind if I took a photograph for my bite collection?
Walt Braun: Whatever rubs your Buddha…)

LANGUAGE IS MY TOOL

The slightly dodgy ‘old friend’ who leads the CSIs to a bunker full of silver in the middle of the desert?

Smells guilty in here alright

Gosh I don't even know what you mean I AM SO LEGIT IT HURTS

... although maybe I did a little swabbing of my own (hence the angry wife)

Well obviously it all gets BLOWN OPEN by the CSIs during the course of the episode… but that’s not what I’m here to talk about! No way! I’m more interested in Coffeegate, Nick being every animal’s best friend, and Warrick pissing off lovely Mandy the fingerprint technician.

So, in the order that I gave them to you then: Coffeegate, as it unfolds.

This coffee tastes like sweaty balls (I'm paraphrasing here)

*Chariots of Fire*

DO NOT DRINK MY LUXURY COFFEE, MADE FROM THE EYELASHES OF A THOUSAND VIRGINS

Great coffee, Greggo, thanks so much

A shocking abuse of power, as I think we’ll all agree. (Meanwhile, let’s have a moment of appreciation not only for Greg’s shirt, but for his chavtastic hairstyle.)

Why yes I do have wavy lines shaved across the side of my head

MEANWHILE in hotass Stokes news, Nick has made friends with Tony Braun’s doggies.

Yes, eagle-eyed viewers, those ARE new glasses but for some crazy reason the director of this episode decided not to use any close up shots of them. I know, WTF, we get anatomical detail of a dead guy's nose but NOTHING of Nick's hot new frames. Rubbish.

Following on from his cuddle with a cat in $35K O.B.O., I would take this as CONCLUSIVE PROOF that he is loved by all who encounter him, whatever their species, gender or sexual orientation.

And with those PUPPY DOG eyes (arf arf) I can well understand it

Warrick, on the other hand, is doing his level best not to be loved by Mandy the fingerprinter, who I slightly love.

Warrick: Well, that’s easy for you to say. All you do is scan prints all day and hit ‘enter’.

I agree, he definitely needs a smackdown

Come on Warrick, have some respect why dontcha!

Final bit of news (apart from this random picture of the CSIs eating)

I don't know why I always feel compelled to screencap this kind of activity, it exerts a weird fascination

is a line from Brass, with accompanying explanatory hand gestures which only serve to alert the viewer (i.e., me) to the fact that he’s straining to avoid the obvious (hilarious) mishearing.

Brass: Based on your pupes I could take you in right now.

Based on your WHAT NOW?

First PPP of the season sez... "I didn't know we were running that kind of a joint"

Season 1 Episode 22: Evaluation Day

The cases this week are marked by Dismembered Body Parts, as these two young ladies

Good thing somebody listened to their mum's advice about wearing matching underwear JUST IN CASE

are pulled over for speeding… but turn out to have a severed head in the back of their car

Why is it the head of a giant boxer??

– and Sara and Nick find themselves investigating a distended, skinless handless footless headless body found in the middle of the desert (standard).

Looks suspiciously like a dish Heston Blumenthal might serve a gaggle of C-list celebrities at one of his Feasts

Doc Robbins doesn’t know WOT THE HELL IT IS

Or maybe he just can't be arsed to think about it given his new interest in playing air guitar

(of the music) Catherine: "It sucks." Grissom: "I like it."

but luckily there is A SCIENTIST OF TERRI’S CALIBRE (clue: it’s Terri) around to provide some answers.

Never fear! the brains is here!

BURNING WITH A FIERY LUST

It’s a gorilla!

Methinks someone has been swotting from this high-quality publication

Nick is promptly whipped off the case

Grissom: You’re working it alone; Catherine needed Nick. [- WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?]

and Sara left to deal with this decidedly low priority issue. Animal trafficking just isn’t as interesting as MURDER AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Face of outraged vegetarianism

Face of carnivorous contempt

You just know that if it were anyone but Sara, Grissom wouldn’t have let them follow up on it at all. (Hence her evaluation: overall, outstanding; ability to prioritise, needs improvement.) Even with his blessing, though, there’s not much she can do but give her (not-so) furry friend a decent burial.

Communing with THE GREAT SPIRIT OF THE BEAST

Back in humantown (??!), Catherine is feelin’ feisty

Griss: (re: hacked off head) Do you think a female could do this?
Cath: I could’ve.
Griss: Scared of you…

PPP sez: "I can't handle the truth"

and Nick has something to prove, after Grissom tells him STRAIGHT OUT in his evaluation that he’s not ready to work cases alone.

SO ANGRY. SO SEXY.

Much is made of a DUMBASS RIDDLE involving cows which supposedly indicates Nick’s Southern Doofus status as he falls for it:

Grissom: Repeat after me, silk, silk, silk.
Nick: Silk, silk, silk.
Grissom: What do cows drink?
Nick: Milk.

Apparently this is WRONG and cows drink water, but produce milk.

Errrr NATURE BEGS TO DIFFER

PPP sez: "Nature? I DEFY THEE"

WHATEVS, Grissom.

Yeah, WHATEVS!

Anyway Nick is spurred on by this harsh assessment of his abilities (about which he doesn’t tell Sara – like the geeky kid in school, she’s desperate to hear how his evaluation went) to discover the KEY PIECE OF EVIDENCE in the severed head case.

Yay! it's the first instance of the 'body in a storage unit' trope! (N.B. key evidence not in fact found here)

It takes them to this unfortunately-earringed chappie

SORRY LOVE but it's true

and gives Brass a line which I find inexplicably hilarious.

"Pretty good gimmick they got here: peanuts, toss your shells on the floor, nobody gives a rat's ass."

“Nobody gives a rat’s ass”? Does that really count as a gimmick?!!

Anyway most important about the whole thing is that NICK GIVES CREDIT FOR THE WONDROUS CLUE TO GREG!

SO NOBLE AND SO BEAUTIFUL

This is probably the first step towards Greg becoming a CSI. And he owes it all to Nick.

For those wondering what Warrick is up to (I know I know it’s hard to distract oneself from Stokes and his beauteous jawline, but do spare a thought for Pleo), well, it’s not so much of a change from last week.

Hand down a toilet: the glamorous life of a CSI

Hans Moleman’s grandson is in trouble as there’s been a stabbing at the junior detention unit and he’s the only witness; so Warrick has to sort things out without getting him in trouble for snitching. Two points of interest:

Surely it's weird that he should have Warrick's number chalked up in plain view? Isn't that an invite to get harrassed about it?

and this guy, the big bad boy on the unit

Oh so tough

who has the episode’s other most excellent line:

Juvie kid: They answer to me because I’m the macaroni.

PPP sez: "Oh yeah? Well I'm the fettucini mate so WATCH IT, aaaight?"

At least Warrick is rewarded for his toilet tribulations with THE GREATEST PLEASURE OF WHICH ANY MAN MIGHT DREAM.

BOOM! oh sorry, my mistake - what I actually mean is (of course)

It's rollercoaster time!!!!!!

Season 1 Episode 11: I-15 Murders

So the main plot of this episode – the one that opens the show – is about a guy murdering women and keeping them in his refrigerated truck.

Frozen corpse discoveryfaces

But that’s almost by the by in an episode primarily preoccupied with personal relationships. Warrick and Sara have a showdown as she accuses him of being a gambling addict and complains that Grissom hasn’t fired him, as she recommended.

Showing down (but also, reminding me of...

...this guy, Pleo the robotic baby dinosaur. Is that just me? Something about the eyes.)

In fact, Pleo isn’t the only person Warwick is looking like this ep.

Oh no, he di'n't

Of course he did

Meanwhile elsewhere in Sara and Warrick’s case there’s a funny moment that reminds you of how old this first series actually is.

Sara: Hard to miss all that high-tech computer equipment. There’s got to be five, ten grand there. First thing I’d take.

Wow, five or ten grand’s worth of computers?

'All that' equipment

Oh yeah I forgot, it’s 2001.

Other things which date this episode include Grissom’s office ‘burglar alarm’: Big Mouth Billy Bass

Surely the only thing that Gil Grissom and David Brent have in common

and… well, I would say Greg’s shirt but I think that’s just how Greggo rolls.

Rollin' with my homies

In Nick news, he is getting all hot under the collar as Kristy the prostitute from episode 1 resurfaces.

Kristy: My nipples are all better. Wanna see?

Don't even go there, lady

It looks for a while like Nickyboy might be getting lucky, but…

STEAMY MOMENT (note the soft focus)

"Think of your reputation, Nick! Think of the lab's reputation!"

 

Oh man. Cockblocked by a rubber fish.

Looks like he’ll have to cope with the next best thing instead.

... a grope of Greggo's manly moob.

Seriously though I can see how all those Nick/Greg slashfics got started

Good thing he would never do anything stupid like SLEEP with Kristy. Right, Nick? RIGHT???

Season 1 Episode 8: Anonymous

After the previous triumph and disaster I would rate this episode a medium – a return to standard CSI form. It’s mostly about the overarching series storyline that appeared in Episode 1: bodies in the bath.

The bath... the sleeping bag... we've all been there

The same killer has struck again and Grissom is determined not to let him get away with it a second time.

PPP sez... "I'm determined not to let him get away with it a second time"

Unfortunately that’s exactly what he does, going to have a chat to Original Suspect Paul Millander – a guy who makes rubber Hallowe’en hands, and whose prints appeared at the first scene – but leaving disappointed as Millander doesn’t keep a list of purchasers.

I'm an artist, not an accountant

After a baffling piece of sleuthing involving a stolen credit card, a tramp, and a series of pictures depicting a dove escaping a pair of hands, Grissom and Catherine realise that the killer is seeking justice (seriously, this part of the case stretches my credulity something chronic… “doves mean peace… but not world peace, peace of mind… what do you need for peace of mind? justice! the killer wants justice!”). After actually speaking to the tramp, they realise just who this justice-seeking guy might be…

OH HAI

Too bad he is all over it and has already jacked in his business and disappeared. Imagine how upset Grissom is. SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS AIN’T OVER.

At least he has his (ready-solved) Rubik's Cube to cheer him up

Along the way there is a happy meeting between Catherine and Grissom’s audiotape expert of choice, who I thought at first was called Sisqo but I think is in fact entitled ‘Disco’ (really…?!).

Yo Griss my homie (is obviously what is being said here)

He and Catherine take a liking to one another, much to Grissom’s discombobulation.

Feelin' like a gooseberry

There’s no follow up but I like to think Catherine gets her rocks off later. SHE DESERVES IT.

What else. Fortunately for the wardrobe dept, Greg has a couple of brief appearances, and a new shirt…

I'm trying to focus on what you're saying, but really I'm just thinking about my outfit

… and in the B-plot, Nick and Warrick are facing off over their assignment, in which a guy winds up in hospital after his car runs over the edge of a cliff. Having started the episode receiving a ticking-off for playing video games at work,

I'm kind of sad they're not playing NHL ice hockey on the SEGA. Fight! fight! fight!

So told off

the boys’ competitive spirit is all riled up and they’re soon betting on the outcome of the case.

The stakes start at $100...

... swiftly climb to $200 (is that admiration or just UNBRIDLED LUST in the doctor's eyes? he's looking at Nick so I'm thinking the latter)...

... and top out at $300 before the 'victim' revives.

Fortunately for the boys’ professional integrity (and pockets), it turns out that both their theories are wrong and the vic

Just another fat, stupid tourist

got himself into the mess in the first place. What a disappointment.

Don't worry Nick... you still da man (in my eyes) (and that doctor's, too, I expect)

Season 1 Episode 2: Cool Change

Excellent eyebrow acting here from George Eads as Nick enjoys a moment of realisation. I love it when you can see them think. Luckily, so do the CSI directors

Well, it’s all shabazzle in the second episode as the CSIs have to deal with the fallout from letting Holly get shot on her first day in the job. Warrick, modelling an earring which I am sure doesn’t last beyond the first season, is taking most of the flak.

As Catherine says in a weird exchange with Holly's killer... "Maybe a little bling bling?"

Yeah, I don't know what you were on about either, lady. But I like you, so I'll let it slide.

This suit, on the other hand, we really need to talk about

Not only is Sara Sidle on Warrick’s case (WOOP WOOP) but a creepy old judge guy in a Crimplene shirt keeps following him around.

You'd be sad too if you were this guy's bitch

Poor Warrick. Luckily his gambling skills are so proficient that he’s able to make $11,000 in A SINGLE HOUR to pay off the judgeface… for now. (Why is he still working at CSI? He could be making a killing on the blackjack tables!)

It's not just the judge. You can always rely on Greggo to bring the bad shirts.

There’s also a case to solve – and guess who’s involved?

MY INSTINCTS ARE NEVER WRONG

OH YEAH it’s another Speccy White Guy! Granted this one is ‘the victim’ not the criminal but he’s still pretty unpleasant. He dumps his girlfriend when he wins $40 million on the slots. Who can blame her for killing him?

Buff

He is pretty stacked I guess. He probably could do better. On the other hand, his muscular build, while pleasing to the eye, puts him outside the true SWG stereotype (and is probably the real reason why HE HAS TO DIE).

Nick (probably feeling some hunky sympathy) isn’t too impressed with the girl whodunnit. She gets his best face.

Bish, please

The real story of the episode though is the establishment of the CSI team we KNOW AND LOVE. Sara rocks in from San Francisco (albeit, not to everybody’s best pleasure: she has Catherine’s hackles up straightaway) and Brass is moved away from CSI and onto Homicide.

Sorry, Jimbo

We all know what that means…

Nick: Who’s gonna run the unit?
Grissom: For now, me.

YOU KNOWZ IT, G-DOG! “For now” my ass.

ThasswhadI'mtalkinabout

Last word goes to Nicky, who with typical incisiveness asks Grissom the question on EVERYBODY’S minds.

Nick: How do you know all this crap?